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Another Oscars in the bucket

Post by Brian O'Neill on Feb. 28, 2011 at 8:33 am with No Comments »
February 28, 2011 4:09 pm

It was such an honor to be chosen to watch the Oscars on television that I would like to thank the members of the Academy for the following:

  • For walking the Red Carpet like horses at an auction (if there were a sexy way of checking your gums, I bet you’d let us)
  • For patiently listening to the paparazzi repeat questions piped in via their earpieces
  • For responding to those questions in such a manner that we collectively wish you also had an earpiece with a writer on the other end
  • For wearing dresses that resemble the shiny drapes our little sisters wrapped around themselves at dinner parties in the ’80s
  • For revealing that middle-aged women being honored before their peers still have the wherewithal to drop the F-bomb
  • For showing us that for every Anne Hathaway (she sings, she jokes, she charms) there is a James Franco (he does wooden)
  • For clapping as if you cared who won the Oscar for the less-juicy categories, such as best sound editing, knowing full well we all fast-forwarded through it
  • For making us wonder if Christian Bale’s cockney accent is a fake (Batman is a Brit?)
  • For letting Kirk Douglas demonstrate that stroke-related impediments don’t affect charisma
  • For inspiring us with the historical relevance of cinema, and…
  • For allowing us, the unwashed masses, inside the Glitterdome for the evening, but more importantly, for allowing us to leave

On behalf of said unwashed masses, I want to thank the Academy for another Oscars. We loved it, we hated it, and we’ll be back next year.

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