Well, Al Gore was right after all.
Global warming is upon us, at least here in the Pacific Northwest, at least here in my kitchen. Personally I thought GW was going to be a more gradual process, a degree every century sort of thing. I didn’t think it would come this fast. Truth be told, I haven’t been this hot since I was twenty-two years old. That was the year I drove from California to Texas in a Toyota Tercel with no air conditioning and only one window that could roll down.
So it’s not as if I have never known heat. I am a former military spouse. I have lived in the South, but in the South there is little that air conditioning doesn’t touch. Those people practically put Freon in their under garments and who can blame them? The same cannot be said of our little corner of the world.
Oh, but I can still hear our real estate agent coo as she showed my husband and I the home we eventually bought, "You won’t need air conditioning here," she said all the while gesticulating like Vanna White. "Just open up the windows and let the cool breeze come in off the Sound." Never mind the Sound is miles away, we believed her.
My husband tried to reassure me when I casually mentioned yesterday that we should sue her. He said that she was "basically" correct, not about breezes from the Sound, unless there is a hurricane we won’t feel any of those, but he says our real estate agent was right about not needing air conditioning. He correctly pointed out that it’s only hot enough in the summer to warrant air conditioning for a few short days.
My husband also likes to point out that the weather here in Tacoma is so temperate that I haven’t donned a pair of shorts in a decade. I don’t have the heart to tell him that I do that as a public service, one, I might add, that comes at a great sacrifice right now given that I am so hot.
"It could be worse," my husband likes to say. He likes to say it a lot. So much so that those very words might be engraved on his headstone.
It could be worse? I have just eaten my third watermelon of the day. To what end? The fruit hasn’t cooled me much. I suppose you could say it has given my day a bit of purpose, as between the watermelon and the lemonade I visit the restroom frequently, of course once there I can’t help but notice in the bathroom mirror as I run cold water over my wrists that the heat is doing to my appearance what it does for my temperament. Hey, at least they match.
Seriously though, this Global Warming thing is no joke. My husband heard on the radio that if you put chunks of ice in your bed it is as good as air conditioning. So, guess who is sleeping with chunks of ice? Defying all laws of physics, the ice keeps rolling on my side of the bed. I am hot, do I really need freezer burn too?
A study by The Shweisheimer Group recently showed that a worker’s productivity is reduced by twenty-two percent when the temperature goes above ninety degrees. Oh, really? One look at my laundry room and I would say that figure is off by about eighty-eight percent. Another study concluded that there is significant cognitive impairment when the temperature gets too high, which accounts for why I gave my eight year old son today full permission to squirt me in the face with the hose. Suffice it to say, if you see me around town wearing a pair of crooked glasses, don’t ask. Just don’t ask.
All of this is bad news for Global Warming, because if we want to reverse those effects it will take our full attention and cognitive capabilities and as I sit and type this I know that is never going to happen, it is never going to happen because all I can muster is a barely audible whimper, "It’s too late Al Gore, it’s too late."