Blue Byline

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A college commencement speech you’ll never hear

If I were a snippy kind of guy, the fact that I didn’t receive a single invitation to deliver a college commencement address might irk me. But I’m not. Sniff.

Outside of a handful of web-surfing insomniacs I recognize that few people have heard of me. But that doesn’t mean I don’t have something to contribute to the graduation zeitgist (whatever that is). This is the speech I might have given, if anyone had asked.


Hey kids. Thanks for inviting me to speak at the commencement of the class of 2014. You guys look great in those caps and

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